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mushrooms

Magic Mushroom Beef

Magic Mushroom Beef

Denver-based sandwich franchise Quizno's recently introduced a magic mushroom sub. The menu addition may have been partially motivated by The Mile High City's recent decision to decriminalize psylocibin mushrooms. Competitor Cheba Hut has been serving a magic mushroom sandwich for eons. On June 21, Cheba Hut enlisted me to don a police uniform and deliver a box of mushrooms and a cease and desist to the flagship location of its rival. An entourage of Cheba Hut employees accompanied me to document the hilarity for posterity.

Upon arrival, I placed the box of mushrooms, the cease and desist and a Bluetooth speaker on the counter and asked for the manager. The store owner was present and seemed genuinely amused by the strange care package presentation. “Thanks for the mushrooms,” he said, grinning knowingly. In lieu of the usual singing, I jammed Tone Loc's “Cheeba Cheeba” on the speaker and began dancing suggestively. Nearby customers were quite befuddled. I removed my navy coat, one sleeve at a time, and swung it over my head like a burlesque performer. I then unbuttoned my blue police shirt, eventually hoisting it above my head in the same helicopter manner.

“No shirt, no shoes, no service,” said the owner once my shirt was off, implying that we'd overstayed our welcome. Beef initiated.

Rudolph the Shrooming Reindeer

Rudolph the Shrooming Reindeer

Does this mushroom's color scheme remind you of anyone? A certain airborne holiday superhero maybe?

Make yourself comfortable, it's story time. Reindeer in the Arctic circle apparently enjoy munching on Fly Agaric mushrooms. The red and white toadstools in old school Smurf cartoons were likely inspired by the colorful fungus. Fly Agarics are known to contain hallucinogenic chemicals. No one knows how the reindeer are affected by consuming the mushrooms, but it turns out the antlered mammals of Christmas legend aren't the only fans of the fungus.

The Sami people, native to Norway, Sweden, Finland and Russia, have been involved with reindeer husbandry for thousands of years. Lapps, or Laplanders as they are also known, utilize reindeer for many purposes, including transportation in the form of sled-pulling. In the past, Sami shamans imbibed Fly Agaric in their visionary rituals. They even drank urine from reindeer believed to be under the influence of the plant medicine. Did I mention they've been known to don red and white threads in homage to the speckled crimson entheogen they ingest?

To recap, there were living, breathing humans who wore mushroom-inspired red and white garb and rode on sleighs pulled by reindeer. Eat your heart out, Imaginary Santa Claus.

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