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Magic Mushroom Beef

Magic Mushroom Beef

Denver-based sandwich franchise Quizno's recently introduced a magic mushroom sub. The menu addition may have been partially motivated by The Mile High City's recent decision to decriminalize psylocibin mushrooms. Competitor Cheba Hut has been serving a magic mushroom sandwich for eons. On June 21, Cheba Hut enlisted me to don a police uniform and deliver a box of mushrooms and a cease and desist to the flagship location of its rival. An entourage of Cheba Hut employees accompanied me to document the hilarity for posterity.

Upon arrival, I placed the box of mushrooms, the cease and desist and a Bluetooth speaker on the counter and asked for the manager. The store owner was present and seemed genuinely amused by the strange care package presentation. “Thanks for the mushrooms,” he said, grinning knowingly. In lieu of the usual singing, I jammed Tone Loc's “Cheeba Cheeba” on the speaker and began dancing suggestively. Nearby customers were quite befuddled. I removed my navy coat, one sleeve at a time, and swung it over my head like a burlesque performer. I then unbuttoned my blue police shirt, eventually hoisting it above my head in the same helicopter manner.

“No shirt, no shoes, no service,” said the owner once my shirt was off, implying that we'd overstayed our welcome. Beef initiated.